T-Rex Episode 4: The Dangers of Grocery Shopping

The Dangers of Grocery Shopping is the fourth episode of The Mentally Insane Adventures of T-Rex.

Plot
"When a guy's gotta eat, a guy's gotta eat." T-Rex likes to say. He did not think that would mean he would have to take an early trip to the Grocery store because his wife thought he and his son would bring home enough Halloween candy to feed the family for a few weeks, and he went along with it. They had not counted on an evil death lord and his horror movie reject minions trying to kill them, which in hindsight, T-Rex thought they really should have. "It was Halloween, of course something would've happened!" he said to himself. But he would've needed to go down to the shop eventually. Hopefully he wouldn't break the fabric of reality this time. But T-Rex knew his own luck better than anyone else. Something would go wrong. Regardless of his inner worries, T-Rex reluctantly stepped out of his car and began walking to the grocery store. "At least nobody attacked me on the way here" he said to himself, feeling lucky at least for that. He began looking at his phone, seeing if any idiots were trying to roast him on twitter or how many people he'd triggered in Youtube comment sections.

As T-Rex walked to the door, he noticed a man holding a bag in one hand, a gun in the other, wearing a ski mask, running towards the door. Feeling like being nice, T-Rex held the door open for the man, who quickly began running down the block. An employee at the store who had been chasing the robber then ran up to T-Rex. "What are you doing! That man just robbed us." T-Rex looked up. "Really? Well crap. Don't worry, I got this" said T-Rex, turning back around and blasting the robber with his beam, causing him to go up in flames as the beam ripped through his flesh. The robber fell to the ground in a fiery heap. "There." said T-Rex. "Robber dealt with" the employee was shocked, looking at the corpse, and then back at T-Rex. "That bag had my money in it!" he yelled. "Ohhhhhh....shit" answered T-Rex, realizing his mistake. "Look, I got a lotta food to buy anyway, so in a way I'll be paying you back" said T-Rex, quickly trying to cover up for his actions before casually entering the store. The employee tried to argue, but only managed a stutter, before giving up entirely. "I gotta get a new job" he said to himself.

T-Rex looked around before pulling a list from his nonexistent pocket. "Ok so milk eggs, sugar, aw fuck it pretty much everything's on here." He said to himself. "Better get going then" T-Rex grabbed a shopping cart and began walking around the store, grabbing whatever food and other products he needed. "It's a good thing these places don't just sell food anymore" T-Rex said to himself, while grabbing some lotion and other skin-care products. Though the task took a while and T-Rex found himself wishing he had convinced his family to come along more than once, eventually, he gathered all the groceries he needed and made his way to the register. However as he did, a man, not unlike the now dead robber form earlier walked in and started waving a gun around. "Everybody get down!" he yelled. While everyone else was cowering in fear, T-Rex just sighed. "Are you serious?" he said to himself. The criminal pointed his gun at T-Rex. "I SAID GET DOWN!" T-Rex looked at the criminal. "Or what? You're gonna shoot me?" he asked, clearly not seeing the man threatening to hold him hostage as much of a threat. "I know how these hostage situations go. You don't have the balls to actually kill anyone, you just hold us all here until the cops pay you whatever sum of money you think is huge but is actually chump change these days. You honestly thing this is my first hostage situation?" T-Rex continued. The criminal seemed determined to prove him wrong however, and fired a shot directly at T-Rex. The bullet hit him, but did absolutely nothing.

"Ow." said T-Rex, mockingly. The criminal, clearly quite scared, began to shake, before yelling and running out of the store. "See? What did I tell you?" T-Rex said to assembled customers. However, as T-Rex finished his sentence, the criminal walked back in, holding a very large weapon in hand. "The fuck's that supposed to be?" asked T-Rex, at this point annoyed by this man who stood between him and paying for his groceries. "It's a rocket launcher that fires nukes!" said the criminal."NOW GET DOWN!" T-Rex looked around, weighing his options. "First of all dumbass, that would make me stronger. Can't say the same for everyone else, and I'm a nice guy, sooooo........ya got me" said T-Rex, putting his tiny arms into the air and slowly sitting down.

"That's it?" asked another shopper nearby. "You're just gonna let him hold us here?" T-Rex sighed, and then looked at the man and said. "It's like I said. The nukes won't hurt me, but the lot of you would be dead. You're welcome" T-Rex responded, annoyed that his selfless act was going unnoticed. "You're a fucking giant tyrannosaurus!" the man yelled, continuing his rant. "You know, I could still kill you without feeling too bad." T-Rex snapped back. The man quickly shut his mouth.

As the minutes turned into hours and it seemed the situation would never end. Eventually the police showed up on the scene. T-Rex looked out the window to see the place surrounded by cop cars and snipers. "About damn time" he said to himself. "Get in the back!" yelled the man holding him hostage. T-Rex begrudgingly complied, moving to the back of the store.

One of the policemen stepped out of his car, and grabbed a megaphone. "Alright, we have you surrounded! No one has to get hurt here, ok!" he yelled through it.

"Yeah right!" retorted the gunman. The cop briefly sighed. "Ok, what are your demands?!" he yelled again through the megaphone. The cops all waited for the man's response. The hostage-taker took a second to think about it, before finally coming to an answer:

He looked out the window again and yelled at the cops. "I'll kill everyone in here if I don't get my own spin-off series and a plane ticket to Hawaii!"

T-Rex facepalmed in the back of the store. The cops mostly did the same. The one with the megaphone moved it downward and looked over to his co-worker. "Seriously? That's what he wants?" the cop asked. The co-worker replied, "I guess so Bob. Given that everyone and their mother can break the fourth wall in this universe I'm honestly not surprised" Bob sighed. "Yeah I guess so. But this is the first episode this guy's being introduced in! I mean, look at this way Tony. If you were the writer, would you give this guy a spin-off?" Tony pondered for a second. "No, not really. This entire premise was suggested by someone else anyway!" Bob threw up his hands and yelled "Exactly! Who does this guy think he is. You know I bet we've had more dialogue in this conversation than that guy's had in this entire episode" Tony nodded in agreement. "Still, not much we can do now." Tony looked through his binoculars again, keeping an eye on the situation. "You know he's got T-Rex in there?" asked Tony. "Yeah. Probably hasn't killed the guy yet because this whole place would go up in smoke if he fired that nuke-launcher." replied Bob. "Who makes those things anyway?" he asked, mostly to himself. Another cop, Sara, chimed in. "I heard it was some secret military project" she said. "Course it was. Just like that giant robot they made our superior officer. Where is ol' Super Super Mechagodzilla anyway?" Bob replied. "You how that guy is. Always dealing with some Kaiju-related incident. Probably got caught up again" said Tony. "Course, and that leaves us to clean up this mess" said Bob, frustrated with the current situation.

Back inside the store, T-Rex was growing bored of the whole ordeal when his phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his non-existent pocket and looked to see it was a call from his wife. He answered the call and Lady T-Rex said. "Oh good, you're ok. So did you get milk?" she asked. "That's what you're worried about right now!" said T-Rex. "Honey, let's not pretend you won't be completely fine. This isn't even your first hostage situation. Just get out of there with as few people dead as possible, please?" Lady T-Rex replied. "Yeah yeah, you're right." T-Rex said. "And I did get milk". "Oh thank god." answered Lady T-Rex. "That's a relief. So, are the cops doing anything yet?" she continued. T-Rex looked out the window again. "Not really. They have this place surrounded and they asked what his demands were. I think they're still processing how ridiculous it was." he answered. "Let me guess, a spin-off series and a ticket to Florida?" said Lady T-Rex. "No, it was Hawaii." replied T-Rex. "Oh, that's different" said Lady T-Rex, almost genuinely surprised.

"Oh shit, asshole's coming over here" said T-Rex, "talk to you later." T-Rex quickly hung up the phone as the gunman walked towards where he was sitting. "The cops ain't saying nothing yet. I might have to start killin' a few folks...or a lot of em'" he said, trying to be menacing. Some of the shoppers cowered in fear. T-Rex, naturally, didn't really give a shit. "Yeah sure buddy. Because a spin off series about you would be sssoooo entertaining." he mocked. "You wanna be first!" yelled the gunman. "We can see if you really are invincible!" T-Rex scoffed and rolled his eyes, folding his arms as if refusing to take his captor seriously. "Never heard that one before..." he said. "Man, whatever!" yelled the gunman. "Imma go check if them cops decided to come their senses." With that, he walked back over to the window.

"Are you gonna do anything?" asked a woman, who had been sitting nearby T-Rex since the ordeal began. "Lady, this guy's no trouble. It's the death toll if he actually shoots that's got me worried." T-Rex replied. "So we're just stuck here until he either kills us or gets his derivative spinoff series?" the woman asked. T-Rex pondered for a second. "Actually, no......I think I know a guy." said T-Rex, pulling out his phone.

Meanwhile, the cops sat outside. They were starting to get bored with this whole ordeal. Bob was visibly weary-eyed and sleepy. Tony was only loosely holding the megaphone, which Bob had handed him about an hour ago. Sara was sitting behind a police car waiting for something to actually happen. "How long is this gonna take......" asked Tony. "I dunno man, I just hope it's soon." Bob answered. "Just wait for the big metal guy to show up......" added Sara, on the verge of falling asleep. All of a sudden, the cops were jolted awake by a loud running sound a voice yelling "I'M FAST AS FUCK, BOOOOIIIIIIIII!!!!!"

"What the hell?" asked Bob. Suddenly, Barundabagungasaurus ran into the scene, darting past the cop cars and breaking into the grocery store. "Well that happened...." said Tony. The gunman was caught unawares and pointed his nuke launcher at Barunda. "Don't come any closer man, I'll shoot!" he yelled. "Bitch please!" replied Barunda, firing his Pepper Spray Beam right into the gunman's eyes, blinding him and causing him to drop the Nuke Launcher. The gunman struggled from the pepper spray, flailing around and rubbing his eyes. "Now!" yelled T-Rex, and two of the other shoppers quickly rushed in and grabbed the nuke launcher, throwing it over to T-Rex. T-Rex looked at the weapon for a second. "This thing would be really dangerous in the wrong hands." he said, before simply eating the nuke launcher in one gulp. Everyone's jaws dropped. A loud explosion was heard from within T-Rex's body, but nothing else happened. He burped some radioactive, which caused the man who had yelled at him prior to start coughing. "Serves you right" T-Rex says as he walked towards the flailing gunman. "Boi his eyesight's goooonnneee" said Barunda. "Good, then he won't see this" replied T-Rex, before chomping on the gunman, killing him instantly, before swallowing.

"And that takes care of that." said T-Rex.

With the situation over, the people were finally able to go home with to their families. Barunda was charged for the damages but the police knew better than to confront him or T-Rex regarding the fate of gunman, Bob simply writing down in his notes "Situation was ended by intervention by Kaiju", before finally getting to go home.

T-Rex drove home, eventually pulling up to his house. "You sure you can walk home from here?" he asked Barunda  as he got out of the car. "Yeah boi, I'm good." Barunda replied. "Alright," said T-Rex. Parking shortly after, T-Rex stepped inside his house. "Honey, I'm home!" he yelled. Lady T-Rex walked into the living room. "Oh good!" she said. "You're alright. I hope that man who had the balls to hold you hostage was dealt with." T-Rex let out a burp at that moment. "You could say that" he replied.

"So," Lady T-Rex continued. "Did you remember the milk?"

T-Rex came to a sudden realization.

"FUCK."

T-Rex Family

 * T-Rex
 * Lady T-Rex
 * T_Rex Jr